You should see my room

Dear Gareth,

       Your message was finally comprehensible. Thank you for that. Bourbon, hmm. That makes sense. Yes, this is a better way to communicate. That bleeping Elyzanna and her bleeping snoops won't get any more chickens, goats or anything else.
      Anyway, something alarming happened here yesterday. After an all-court meeting, I went to my room. And it had been completely ransacked. It was terrible. And what is even scarier, my room wasn't the only one. Twenty-six other chimera rooms were destroyed at the same time. Thor was a bit upset, but Odin just shrugged and went on with court business. Loki appeared to be amused by the destruction. I wonder if he had something to do with it.
      Vladimir advised me to leave the court. But I don't know where I would go. You know what is weird. Although Vladimir is pureblooded fish, the frogs seem to be after him too.

I'm nervous,

Nimue

Thank you for the mirror

Dear Nimue,

I said, thank you for the mirror. It helps us to communicate without those snoopy, nosy sensors. Thanks gods they can't intercept these messages. And sorry about the confusion. I tried using bourbon instead of single malt whiskey to save money, but I guess it distorts a message a little bit.

Love,

Gareth

PS. Just your friend?

www.juhahollo.com

Frogs are Jumping Everywhere

Dear Gareth,

      Barf the Frog? You saw him? There? You are talking about the projectile vomiting world champion? The one who can vomit on anything fifty yards away? What is he doing there? Hadn't he taken residence in Moscow just weeks ago?
      I have to tell you that I have noted the presence of frogs here in biblical proportions. It's almost like when Yahweh attacked Osiris and Isis. But I have heard that Isis is engaged in debate with Apollo about the relevance of olive oil in healing. She is so preoccupied that she hasn't noticed the He Who Must Not Be Named taking over her lands. So I don't think they have anything to do with the frogs, which are sprouting like mushroom after a really good soaking.
      Talking about the good soaking. I met Vladimir the Fish a couple of days ago. He told me about a new invention by Narcissus. It's a mirror you can use for sending messages to other mirrors. Narcissus uses it to send messages to himself, but you can select another mirror as well. It's a little tricky as you need to glue the hair of a person the message is intended to your mirror. I mean that it's so easy to get all hairs floating around mixed up. Please send me a strand of yours, and I will send you a mirror with my hair on it already. Make sure the hair is yours so don't just pick up a hair from the floor. Once we both have corresponding mirrors, it will be pretty easy. You write on the mirror with blood, but red lipstick works too. To send a message, you need to pour some hard liqueur on the mirror. Vladimir uses vodka. But he said that single malt whisky works really well too. The tricky part is that you need to collect the alcohol and drink it. The pair of mirrors Vladimir gave me has liquid collectors at the bottom. As a final step, you need to breathe on the mirror after drinking the liqueur. That's when the message goes out.
      With these mirrors, we can avoid the very nice sensors at both sides of Atlantic who will read this message too. Hopefully, they will let it pass. Mirror network is reportedly quite secure. Although Vladimir told me that The Nationalist Surveillance Agency of the Western Roman Empire has launched an attempt to break into it. They are trying to install a trap door at the back of the network. So far their analysts have only manage to fall through the door themselves. So it should still be pretty secure.

Love,

Nimue

This time forest fires

Dear Nimue

       Thanks for your letter. I cried after I read it. I miss you so much.
       Gabriel is running around like a headless chicken. I think he has lost one of his swings. This week Gabriel was sure that the worm was abroad and approaching with the fires in the west. But when someone asked, if he finally believed that the world was warming, he said that of course not. It was just that the end of times was here with seventh coming. When asked about the last end of times a decade ago, he had a blank look on his face. Like he had forgotten his previous proclamations.
       To fight the fires the Emperor Don the Yuge has formed rake brigades. They do preventive work by raking the lawns of his hotels. How does it relate to fires is a bit unclear. 

      Something unnerving happened yesterday. I was on my way to take notes at food labeling subcommittee of inter-court trade relations committee when I passed Lucifer's office. You never guess who was standing in the doorway talking with him. Take a guess. Oh well, It was Barf, the frog. I'm not sure whether he saw me. I slipped quickly to side corridor. What on earth is he doing here?
       I need to go. I have to type the subcommittee report and deliver it to the report supervisor's desk before the end of today. It's not due until tomorrow, but this way he can mark it filed ahead of schedule. It shows the increased productivity. Statistics are everything.

Love,

Gareth

Registration Plates

Dear Gareth,

Thank you for your attempt to mail me goats. I have managed to secure two kits. I just need to wait for them to grow to adults and hope Elyzanna doesn't charge interest. Anyway, cleaning after the kits isn't too much work.
       Latest news here comes from Brit Iles. Current Anglo-Saxon-Norman Government is negotiating their exit from Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League formerly known as Brit Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League. The negotiations have hit a couple of snags. One is: what should the car registration plates look like after the divorce? Should the League flag be replaced with Union Jack? And what should the Union Jack itself look like? St. Andrew has threatened to break away, and Ulster has threatened with potential implosion. If right flank of governing Tories of Brit isles doesn't get their way with the plates, they will vote no with orderly exit and yes with the imploding economy. Hispanic member of Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League has offered assistance. To stay clear, they demand a complete say over the status of the Rock at their border.
       Is Gabriel always so jumpy? I've heard he searches new signs of the worm constantly.
       Stay safe. Stay out of sight.

Love,

Nimue

I got two goats, but

Dear Nimue,

      I manage to get two goats. But when I tried to get Valkyries to take them home to you with the diplomatic post, they refused. They claimed that the goats didn't have sufficient security clearance. Somehow boss's pig did have it as they took him with them.
      So I went to postmaster here, but since I had a black male goat and a white female goat he refused to transport them. I manage to swap them to two white male goats, but that wasn't satisfactory for the postmaster either.
      When I finally had a white male goat and a white female goat, the postmaster required an impossible fee. I was supposed to give him a red, blue, and white goat with stars and stripes. I can't find one here. I'm sorry.
      Oh, I almost forgot. I don't know how I could ever forget it. As it was my first experience with Gabriel. Who flew into throne room yelling about the end of the world. I thought he was going to lose his lopsided costume wings. His entrance threw the room into chaos. In full panic, he warned that worm of world end was stirring in south wrecking parts of the Mexico City. During the disturbance, I manage to hide behind a curtain thus surviving another day here.

Love,

Gareth

Cow not horse

Dear Gareth,

       Elyzanna said that in fact, I owed her two goats, not one. My transgression was more severe than she had at first thought. But she would accept a cow instead. So I went to the market and found this guy Hans who said he could arrange a sale of a cow for me. Well, it turned out to be a horse. Elyzanna wasn't pleased. I need to find ASAP either two goats or a cow. If I don't, I'll be done in. If I couldn't deliver, she would discover the translation error. She would present the correct translation to Hermóðr.
       Please help me. Elyzanna wants two very pale goats. She also claimed that one of the chicken wasn't from the Nordic stock. But I got it in the market in Copenhagen. It did miss the stamp by the populist government agency. Hey! Maybe that was it. I need to have the lack of certification declared as fake news.
       Vlad II the Impaler has sent more sports emissaries to the west. They are to spread the gospel of good eastern practices. Slid the throats of your competitors before they slid yours. We'll wait to see how Gallic-Teutonic-Nordic-West Slavic-Hispanic-Greco-Roman League will respond.
Stay safe and warm as the winter is coming.

 

Nimue