You should see my room

Dear Gareth,

       Your message was finally comprehensible. Thank you for that. Bourbon, hmm. That makes sense. Yes, this is a better way to communicate. That bleeping Elyzanna and her bleeping snoops won't get any more chickens, goats or anything else.
      Anyway, something alarming happened here yesterday. After an all-court meeting, I went to my room. And it had been completely ransacked. It was terrible. And what is even scarier, my room wasn't the only one. Twenty-six other chimera rooms were destroyed at the same time. Thor was a bit upset, but Odin just shrugged and went on with court business. Loki appeared to be amused by the destruction. I wonder if he had something to do with it.
      Vladimir advised me to leave the court. But I don't know where I would go. You know what is weird. Although Vladimir is pureblooded fish, the frogs seem to be after him too.

I'm nervous,

Nimue

Thank you for the mirror

Dear Nimue,

I said, thank you for the mirror. It helps us to communicate without those snoopy, nosy sensors. Thanks gods they can't intercept these messages. And sorry about the confusion. I tried using bourbon instead of single malt whiskey to save money, but I guess it distorts a message a little bit.

Love,

Gareth

PS. Just your friend?

www.juhahollo.com

Frogs are Jumping Everywhere

Dear Gareth,

      Barf the Frog? You saw him? There? You are talking about the projectile vomiting world champion? The one who can vomit on anything fifty yards away? What is he doing there? Hadn't he taken residence in Moscow just weeks ago?
      I have to tell you that I have noted the presence of frogs here in biblical proportions. It's almost like when Yahweh attacked Osiris and Isis. But I have heard that Isis is engaged in debate with Apollo about the relevance of olive oil in healing. She is so preoccupied that she hasn't noticed the He Who Must Not Be Named taking over her lands. So I don't think they have anything to do with the frogs, which are sprouting like mushroom after a really good soaking.
      Talking about the good soaking. I met Vladimir the Fish a couple of days ago. He told me about a new invention by Narcissus. It's a mirror you can use for sending messages to other mirrors. Narcissus uses it to send messages to himself, but you can select another mirror as well. It's a little tricky as you need to glue the hair of a person the message is intended to your mirror. I mean that it's so easy to get all hairs floating around mixed up. Please send me a strand of yours, and I will send you a mirror with my hair on it already. Make sure the hair is yours so don't just pick up a hair from the floor. Once we both have corresponding mirrors, it will be pretty easy. You write on the mirror with blood, but red lipstick works too. To send a message, you need to pour some hard liqueur on the mirror. Vladimir uses vodka. But he said that single malt whisky works really well too. The tricky part is that you need to collect the alcohol and drink it. The pair of mirrors Vladimir gave me has liquid collectors at the bottom. As a final step, you need to breathe on the mirror after drinking the liqueur. That's when the message goes out.
      With these mirrors, we can avoid the very nice sensors at both sides of Atlantic who will read this message too. Hopefully, they will let it pass. Mirror network is reportedly quite secure. Although Vladimir told me that The Nationalist Surveillance Agency of the Western Roman Empire has launched an attempt to break into it. They are trying to install a trap door at the back of the network. So far their analysts have only manage to fall through the door themselves. So it should still be pretty secure.

Love,

Nimue

This time forest fires

Dear Nimue

       Thanks for your letter. I cried after I read it. I miss you so much.
       Gabriel is running around like a headless chicken. I think he has lost one of his swings. This week Gabriel was sure that the worm was abroad and approaching with the fires in the west. But when someone asked, if he finally believed that the world was warming, he said that of course not. It was just that the end of times was here with seventh coming. When asked about the last end of times a decade ago, he had a blank look on his face. Like he had forgotten his previous proclamations.
       To fight the fires the Emperor Don the Yuge has formed rake brigades. They do preventive work by raking the lawns of his hotels. How does it relate to fires is a bit unclear. 

      Something unnerving happened yesterday. I was on my way to take notes at food labeling subcommittee of inter-court trade relations committee when I passed Lucifer's office. You never guess who was standing in the doorway talking with him. Take a guess. Oh well, It was Barf, the frog. I'm not sure whether he saw me. I slipped quickly to side corridor. What on earth is he doing here?
       I need to go. I have to type the subcommittee report and deliver it to the report supervisor's desk before the end of today. It's not due until tomorrow, but this way he can mark it filed ahead of schedule. It shows the increased productivity. Statistics are everything.

Love,

Gareth

Registration Plates

Dear Gareth,

Thank you for your attempt to mail me goats. I have managed to secure two kits. I just need to wait for them to grow to adults and hope Elyzanna doesn't charge interest. Anyway, cleaning after the kits isn't too much work.
       Latest news here comes from Brit Iles. Current Anglo-Saxon-Norman Government is negotiating their exit from Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League formerly known as Brit Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League. The negotiations have hit a couple of snags. One is: what should the car registration plates look like after the divorce? Should the League flag be replaced with Union Jack? And what should the Union Jack itself look like? St. Andrew has threatened to break away, and Ulster has threatened with potential implosion. If right flank of governing Tories of Brit isles doesn't get their way with the plates, they will vote no with orderly exit and yes with the imploding economy. Hispanic member of Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League has offered assistance. To stay clear, they demand a complete say over the status of the Rock at their border.
       Is Gabriel always so jumpy? I've heard he searches new signs of the worm constantly.
       Stay safe. Stay out of sight.

Love,

Nimue

I got two goats, but

Dear Nimue,

      I manage to get two goats. But when I tried to get Valkyries to take them home to you with the diplomatic post, they refused. They claimed that the goats didn't have sufficient security clearance. Somehow boss's pig did have it as they took him with them.
      So I went to postmaster here, but since I had a black male goat and a white female goat he refused to transport them. I manage to swap them to two white male goats, but that wasn't satisfactory for the postmaster either.
      When I finally had a white male goat and a white female goat, the postmaster required an impossible fee. I was supposed to give him a red, blue, and white goat with stars and stripes. I can't find one here. I'm sorry.
      Oh, I almost forgot. I don't know how I could ever forget it. As it was my first experience with Gabriel. Who flew into throne room yelling about the end of the world. I thought he was going to lose his lopsided costume wings. His entrance threw the room into chaos. In full panic, he warned that worm of world end was stirring in south wrecking parts of the Mexico City. During the disturbance, I manage to hide behind a curtain thus surviving another day here.

Love,

Gareth

Cow not horse

Dear Gareth,

       Elyzanna said that in fact, I owed her two goats, not one. My transgression was more severe than she had at first thought. But she would accept a cow instead. So I went to the market and found this guy Hans who said he could arrange a sale of a cow for me. Well, it turned out to be a horse. Elyzanna wasn't pleased. I need to find ASAP either two goats or a cow. If I don't, I'll be done in. If I couldn't deliver, she would discover the translation error. She would present the correct translation to Hermóðr.
       Please help me. Elyzanna wants two very pale goats. She also claimed that one of the chicken wasn't from the Nordic stock. But I got it in the market in Copenhagen. It did miss the stamp by the populist government agency. Hey! Maybe that was it. I need to have the lack of certification declared as fake news.
       Vlad II the Impaler has sent more sports emissaries to the west. They are to spread the gospel of good eastern practices. Slid the throats of your competitors before they slid yours. We'll wait to see how Gallic-Teutonic-Nordic-West Slavic-Hispanic-Greco-Roman League will respond.
Stay safe and warm as the winter is coming.

 

Nimue

Aging

Dear Nimue,

       They idolize youth to the point here that Jehovah has declared aging a capital crime. Although humans over fifty can remain in the death row for up to fifty years.
       Yesterday I visited one of the famous gyms, which are everywhere. People exercise their jaws there chewing large quantities of salty and fatty foods. They do it for bodybuilding purpose. When their southern neighbor bypassed them as the world champions in body mass, it upset lots of people here. The current emperor, Don I the Yuge, initiated a new program called “America first.” The Emperor has an impressive girth and is thus a good role model. The society considers Children's participation important. So many gyms offer toys as an incentive for them. The program has been highly successful as many children have grown impressive bodies.
       As they are very busy people while working out in these gyms, they use their hands instead of forks. Their culture is still quite young, so they haven't figured out the mannered use of knife yet as we use it in the old world. I'm sure that in millennia or two they will discover it.

Love,


Gareth

Now I owe rabbits

Dear Gareth,

       Thank you for your letter. You're right, I should have not written about the mist. Elyzanna kindly accepted my offer of seven rabbits, three chickens and a goat. The goat is for her lovely staff to share. All will be regular animals, since here in the West we are not allowed to eat fellow chimera anymore. Thank the gods for that; I have heard it's different in the East.

       Where do I get a goat from?

       Here everyone is talking about the successful games Eastern Roman Emperor Vlad II the Impaler just hosted. The games opened with song “Your land is my land now.” The finalists killed at least seven journalists and former intelligence officers each, and the last round of the games even included the challenge of how to get elected as an official of a hostile empire.

       I will keep you updated about my progress with obtaining a goat,

Your friend,

Nimue

New SUV: Furd Destroyer

Dear Nimue,

Thank you for your letter; it brought joy to my day here. I have tried to keep out of sight as much as possible. Yahwe keeps storming around, angry about Odin’s victory at the Faerie law court. As a result of his storming, the weather has turned absolutely dreadful. They had to cancel yesterday's planned picnic.

As I’m sure you know by now, the car company Furd wanted to name their new SUV Furd Ragnarok, but Odin considers the name his proprietary property. He filed a law suite to prevent the name's unauthorized use. Although the car is more than twice the size of the Expedition, it still doesn’t use enough fuel to deserve the name Ragnarok.

The court issued an injunction allowing Odin curse any vehicle carrying the name Ragnarok.

Instead of fighting appeals through the seven Hells, Furd renamed the new vehicle ‘Destroyer’. To help with its marketing appeal, the standard model comes with a gun turret equipped with a semi-automatic machine gun. The deluxe model comes with a fully automatic machine gun, and the ultimate model comes with that plus a rocket launcher.

Despite Furd's concession, the Western Roman Emperor Don I the Yuge has threatened to set a 25% tariff on North Sea oil if Odin doesn’t withdraw his objection.

Of course, the Commission of Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League declared in response that if the Western Roman Empire institutes the new tariffs, the League will set a 25% tariff on popular entertainment imports and Baptist missionaries. Lucifer has expressed outrage that his servants would be treated that way, though I'm not sure whether he is talking about the entertainment industry or the missionaries.

But you already know all this. I miss you, and I wish I could come back home. Do you think that Odin might change his mind? This honor he gave me is killing me. Write to me soon.

Truly yours,

Gareth

Who are you friendly with?

Gareth,

      I got your letter. Elyzanna? You are friendly with Elyzanna? Isn't she in charge of the translators? Oh, right. She is really nice.

      They also use the Mist of Truth here too. It helps with hiding the generations of faeries who are pretending to be immortal deities. Without the Mist it would be harder for the faeries to explain their lack of immortality.

      Maybe I shouldn't have written that down. Oh well.

      I need to go now; sorry this is so short. I'll write to you more soon. I hope you're not too lonely there. And stay out of trouble. Will you?

Nimue

Thanks for reminding me

Dear Nimue,

Thanks for reminding me about the postmasters. I miss you so much. As you can see, I switched to using chimera runes. Nobody here can read them, including Hermes. The Faeries haven't hired any chimeras for man memory. Although faerie memory is slightly better, they can't remember the last chimera employed by the court here either. Faeries look down on us to the point that although a significant part of the diplomatic mail going in and out of this court is written on chimera runes, their Natural Surveillance Apparatus and other sixteen secret police organizations don't have any chimera speakers in their service.

Since our official correspondence uses Norse runes, Hermóðr can't read Chimera. I know that he has chimeras working for him, but as long you don't offend them, their translations are somewhat selective. I have always been friendly with Elyzanna, who is in charge of them. She is very gentle and has beautiful falcon wings.

Anyway, most things here remain the same. The same couple of tribes provide most of the soldiers for the imperial legions. The Empire makes sure the conditions in those regions remain harsh and the regions remain underdeveloped to ensure the toughness of legionaries. But, as it has always been, the legions can't get enough recruits from those same few tribes so they supplement their numbers by accepting soldiers from outside the borders. Officers of course come mostly from the noble families. One of the peculiarities here is that they all pretend that nobility doesn't exist. Yahweh aids the human empire in this by providing the Mist of Truth for the eyes of human tribemen.

I miss you so much. Without being able touch your soft fur, the nights feel so lonely.

Yours truly,

Gareth

I am glad to hear your trip went well, but

Gareth,

I’m glad to hear your trip went well, but you should have used your brain instead of messing with Loki. Be thankful that Odin liked you enough to send you to Yahweh and Jehovah’s court. He could have sent you to Kali’s court. I’ve heard that chimera and were-animal emissaries rarely last more than couple of weeks in her court.

Gareth, Gareth, Gareth!

You have to learn to think before you act. You should have seen what was going to happen. Frigg is still angry. Well, you know her. Her anger will wane in a month or two. Once it does, I’ll talk to her; she isn’t unreasonable.

Hermóðr will bring this letter swiftly to Hermes to pass it to you. They both check all the diplomatic mail, which I hope you remember. They are very nice about it though. Cheers Gareth, life goes on. Write to me soon.

Your Friend,

Nimue

Dear Nimue, it’s still hard to believe

Dear Nimue, 

      It’s still hard to believe what happened. It all happened so quickly. I barely had time to say goodbye to you and the others. I still don't quite understand what actually happened. Odin was furious as a storm cloud. Thor oscillated between amused and being ready to blast me away. All I was told was that I had offended Frigg, but I haven't done anything.

      The trip here went as well as expected; Valkyries are not gentle transporters. I had only couple of dozen new bruises when I arrived, and I had to lick my fur for several hours before it settled back down again. 

      I know that chimeras are sent to other courts as junior members of embassies. Still, it's unsettling to suddenly be one of the emissaries of the Norse court to the Christian court of Western Roman Empire in North America. Before I left, someone called it an honor, but it feels more like a curse. Although I'm not the first were-dog to be posted here, I'm currently the only one. In addition to some faeries, there are seven chimeras here at the moment.

      This court is quite different from Odin's. First of all Yahweh and Jehovah share the throne. They are constantly bickering over which one of them is the original and thus dominant ruler. Someone told me that their dual existence comes from an ancient spelling mistake. They also both claim title Father as their own; it can be a bit confusing.

      The Holy Ghost is kind of pale. He's also very gloomy: walking around complaining that he's always mentioned third in any litany, never first, not even second, always third. 

      Jesus (the Son, not the curse) is arrogant and somewhat bitter as he knows he can never ascend to the throne. Jesus the curse is on the other hand is plotting with Lucifer to get rid of the Son. He claims that people call to him a lot more than they call to the Son. I think his ultimate plan is to share the throne with Lucifer, but I don't think that will happen. He reminds me a little bit of Loki.

      Collectively, the six of them are known as the Sextet, the Christian godhead.

      Uh oh, I hear someone coming so I have to stop writing for now. I miss you. Please, write to me soon.

Yours,

 

    Gareth

The Little Hands Contemplates the Game of Oval Thronerooms

As the shadows lengthened, the Little Hands sat alone pondering his position in the Game of Oval Throne rooms. To compensate his small hands and other small things he liked to use large words. He was especially fond of word terrific, but the historians didn’t often use word terrific. They did use word terrible that looked similar, but somehow didn’t quite feel the same.

The Little Hands had at first wanted to change his nickname to Great Hands or tremendous hands, but that hadn’t stuck. Well, then he had remembered that there had once been a great leader called the Little Boots. No one had laughed at him to his face. At least they hadn’t lived to tell about it. He had been called with a terrific Latin name. Now what was it? Oh right, his name had been Caligula.

That had been the tremendous past and the Little Hands had promised to take the country back to its past: to make America great again. Not terrific or tremendous. Just great. What great things he remembered from the past. There had been the great society, but that had been the work of the enemy so he couldn’t use it. Some people said that the fifties had been great conservative time, but it didn’t have a great name. Stalin had had the great purge. That was good. He could think of great many people who he didn’t like. Some of them judges. About same time with purges there had been the Great Depression. That was two great things at same time. Not bad at all. And almost right before them the Great War had ended the progressive age. He could do that again. He could even out do it with the tremendous war.

Maybe he could find inspiration with what was going on in other countries. The Turks were experimenting with purging their military, judiciary, and the education system. The Russians were killing journalists, who didn’t hold to the party line. Little Hands could use Guantanamo Bay for that. He was sure that the nice Russian president would give a hand with getting things going.

The English were in the middle of Brexit. That was bound to go better than the Texit or the Cexit. The former had resulted in the “loser-battle” in the Alamo and the latter had resulted with the burning of the “loser American South”. Just that moment he knew the answer. He would make America Great Britain again. Now, that was going to be YUUGE!

Ben Carson's plans to fights International Terrorism

If elected president, Ben Carson intends to surgically fight the infamous terrorist group Hummus and its secretive leader Baba Ganous. He will instruct the CIA to investigate group’s connections to shady Turkish character Shish Kebab, who is suspected to have questionable dealings with a Greek Feta. Group also has connections to Moroccan Couscous and Lebanese Tabouli.

As the precaution Mr. Carson will ban serving grape leaves at the White House to prevent any possible terrorist infiltration within them.

Carly Fiorina's executive plan

A crystal ball revealed an alleged executive plan by the future CEO of the United Corporate States of America Carly Fiorina. She will follow the established best practices. Step one: she will cut expenses by moving the federal bureaucracy from Washington, DC to Bangalore, India. Step two: To increase revenue she will buy the country of Albania. Step three: The sixth fleet will be moved under the Panamanian flag and manned by Filipino crews. This constitutes her announced rebuilding of the fleet.

Ms. Fiorina will always bring her golden parachute on board the Air force one just in case the board of directors decides to throw her out again.

LIBOR and other fantasies

The Goblin Nooz Corporation has denied any knowledge of a LIBOR (Looting Investors Billions Of Revenue) related power struggle between regulatory office of the Western Empire and Royal Regulatory Constable of Her Majesty the Queen. The struggle is for the right not to regulate the Baronies and Knights (BanKs) for public looting.

The Southern Defense Perimeter for the great citadel of Manhattan also known as Wall Street has not released any statements regarding the matter in question. They categorically don’t have anything to do with the LIBOR scandal, as their own goblins have been too busy cozying with regulators and looting wealth belonging to anyone else.

The imperial nobility is relieved that they still reap the booty while the bill goes for peasants to pay. They are proud of their motto: No responsibility without taxation. As they pay no taxes why would they carry responsibility for their own misconduct.

The lords in the imperial capital city are quiet about the matter as their war chests are dependent on bribes… we meant contributions from the Southern Defense Perimeter organizations.

Lord Ted's Somalization Plans

The Elf News Corporation has it on unidentified source that Lord Ted and Lord Rand have been tirelessly working on a Somalization plan to convert the Western Empire also known as US government structure to resemble their ideal state. They admire the one and only truly libertarian state in the world. This is of cause no other than Somalia.

            After a successful transition they would be able to establish their own private militias. Lord Ted has plans to claim the princedom of Texas as his fiefdom. He is aware that he might need to fight Master Rove for its control.

Stay tuned for the next ENC news bulleting coming soon to fiefdoms near you.

Now serving burgers by the robots for the robots

Once upon time there lived a happy burger joint entrepreneur in the town of Middleclassburg. It was a heavily armed fortified town. But he had a problem. His burger joint was located outside the walls so that he could both employ and sell for people living outside the walls. He loved to sell for them, but as they started to demand a reasonable pay, he decided to follow the trend to employ robots instead of outwallers.

All was good again until he noticed that his sales were dropping. Why weren’t the outwallers buying his burgers anymore. Oops, they didn’t have jobs. No jobs, no money. Maybe he could sell for the robots. But he didn’t pay them anything. There must be a reasonable solution, he thought.

Then he noticed pretty yellow light coming in from the street in front of his burger joint. Oh, there must be an evening parade, because lots of people are carrying torches around.

And that was when the first stone came through a window.