Cow not horse

Dear Gareth,

       Elyzanna said that in fact, I owed her two goats, not one. My transgression was more severe than she had at first thought. But she would accept a cow instead. So I went to the market and found this guy Hans who said he could arrange a sale of a cow for me. Well, it turned out to be a horse. Elyzanna wasn't pleased. I need to find ASAP either two goats or a cow. If I don't, I'll be done in. If I couldn't deliver, she would discover the translation error. She would present the correct translation to Hermóðr.
       Please help me. Elyzanna wants two very pale goats. She also claimed that one of the chicken wasn't from the Nordic stock. But I got it in the market in Copenhagen. It did miss the stamp by the populist government agency. Hey! Maybe that was it. I need to have the lack of certification declared as fake news.
       Vlad II the Impaler has sent more sports emissaries to the west. They are to spread the gospel of good eastern practices. Slid the throats of your competitors before they slid yours. We'll wait to see how Gallic-Teutonic-Nordic-West Slavic-Hispanic-Greco-Roman League will respond.
Stay safe and warm as the winter is coming.

 

Nimue

Aging

Dear Nimue,

       They idolize youth to the point here that Jehovah has declared aging a capital crime. Although humans over fifty can remain in the death row for up to fifty years.
       Yesterday I visited one of the famous gyms, which are everywhere. People exercise their jaws there chewing large quantities of salty and fatty foods. They do it for bodybuilding purpose. When their southern neighbor bypassed them as the world champions in body mass, it upset lots of people here. The current emperor, Don I the Yuge, initiated a new program called “America first.” The Emperor has an impressive girth and is thus a good role model. The society considers Children's participation important. So many gyms offer toys as an incentive for them. The program has been highly successful as many children have grown impressive bodies.
       As they are very busy people while working out in these gyms, they use their hands instead of forks. Their culture is still quite young, so they haven't figured out the mannered use of knife yet as we use it in the old world. I'm sure that in millennia or two they will discover it.

Love,


Gareth

Now I owe rabbits

Dear Gareth,

       Thank you for your letter. You're right, I should have not written about the mist. Elyzanna kindly accepted my offer of seven rabbits, three chickens and a goat. The goat is for her lovely staff to share. All will be regular animals, since here in the West we are not allowed to eat fellow chimera anymore. Thank the gods for that; I have heard it's different in the East.

       Where do I get a goat from?

       Here everyone is talking about the successful games Eastern Roman Emperor Vlad II the Impaler just hosted. The games opened with song “Your land is my land now.” The finalists killed at least seven journalists and former intelligence officers each, and the last round of the games even included the challenge of how to get elected as an official of a hostile empire.

       I will keep you updated about my progress with obtaining a goat,

Your friend,

Nimue

New SUV: Furd Destroyer

Dear Nimue,

Thank you for your letter; it brought joy to my day here. I have tried to keep out of sight as much as possible. Yahwe keeps storming around, angry about Odin’s victory at the Faerie law court. As a result of his storming, the weather has turned absolutely dreadful. They had to cancel yesterday's planned picnic.

As I’m sure you know by now, the car company Furd wanted to name their new SUV Furd Ragnarok, but Odin considers the name his proprietary property. He filed a law suite to prevent the name's unauthorized use. Although the car is more than twice the size of the Expedition, it still doesn’t use enough fuel to deserve the name Ragnarok.

The court issued an injunction allowing Odin curse any vehicle carrying the name Ragnarok.

Instead of fighting appeals through the seven Hells, Furd renamed the new vehicle ‘Destroyer’. To help with its marketing appeal, the standard model comes with a gun turret equipped with a semi-automatic machine gun. The deluxe model comes with a fully automatic machine gun, and the ultimate model comes with that plus a rocket launcher.

Despite Furd's concession, the Western Roman Emperor Don I the Yuge has threatened to set a 25% tariff on North Sea oil if Odin doesn’t withdraw his objection.

Of course, the Commission of Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League declared in response that if the Western Roman Empire institutes the new tariffs, the League will set a 25% tariff on popular entertainment imports and Baptist missionaries. Lucifer has expressed outrage that his servants would be treated that way, though I'm not sure whether he is talking about the entertainment industry or the missionaries.

But you already know all this. I miss you, and I wish I could come back home. Do you think that Odin might change his mind? This honor he gave me is killing me. Write to me soon.

Truly yours,

Gareth

Who are you friendly with?

Gareth,

      I got your letter. Elyzanna? You are friendly with Elyzanna? Isn't she in charge of the translators? Oh, right. She is really nice.

      They also use the Mist of Truth here too. It helps with hiding the generations of faeries who are pretending to be immortal deities. Without the Mist it would be harder for the faeries to explain their lack of immortality.

      Maybe I shouldn't have written that down. Oh well.

      I need to go now; sorry this is so short. I'll write to you more soon. I hope you're not too lonely there. And stay out of trouble. Will you?

Nimue

Thanks for reminding me

Dear Nimue,

Thanks for reminding me about the postmasters. I miss you so much. As you can see, I switched to using chimera runes. Nobody here can read them, including Hermes. The Faeries haven't hired any chimeras for man memory. Although faerie memory is slightly better, they can't remember the last chimera employed by the court here either. Faeries look down on us to the point that although a significant part of the diplomatic mail going in and out of this court is written on chimera runes, their Natural Surveillance Apparatus and other sixteen secret police organizations don't have any chimera speakers in their service.

Since our official correspondence uses Norse runes, Hermóðr can't read Chimera. I know that he has chimeras working for him, but as long you don't offend them, their translations are somewhat selective. I have always been friendly with Elyzanna, who is in charge of them. She is very gentle and has beautiful falcon wings.

Anyway, most things here remain the same. The same couple of tribes provide most of the soldiers for the imperial legions. The Empire makes sure the conditions in those regions remain harsh and the regions remain underdeveloped to ensure the toughness of legionaries. But, as it has always been, the legions can't get enough recruits from those same few tribes so they supplement their numbers by accepting soldiers from outside the borders. Officers of course come mostly from the noble families. One of the peculiarities here is that they all pretend that nobility doesn't exist. Yahweh aids the human empire in this by providing the Mist of Truth for the eyes of human tribemen.

I miss you so much. Without being able touch your soft fur, the nights feel so lonely.

Yours truly,

Gareth

I am glad to hear your trip went well, but

Gareth,

I’m glad to hear your trip went well, but you should have used your brain instead of messing with Loki. Be thankful that Odin liked you enough to send you to Yahweh and Jehovah’s court. He could have sent you to Kali’s court. I’ve heard that chimera and were-animal emissaries rarely last more than couple of weeks in her court.

Gareth, Gareth, Gareth!

You have to learn to think before you act. You should have seen what was going to happen. Frigg is still angry. Well, you know her. Her anger will wane in a month or two. Once it does, I’ll talk to her; she isn’t unreasonable.

Hermóðr will bring this letter swiftly to Hermes to pass it to you. They both check all the diplomatic mail, which I hope you remember. They are very nice about it though. Cheers Gareth, life goes on. Write to me soon.

Your Friend,

Nimue

Dear Nimue, it’s still hard to believe

Dear Nimue, 

      It’s still hard to believe what happened. It all happened so quickly. I barely had time to say goodbye to you and the others. I still don't quite understand what actually happened. Odin was furious as a storm cloud. Thor oscillated between amused and being ready to blast me away. All I was told was that I had offended Frigg, but I haven't done anything.

      The trip here went as well as expected; Valkyries are not gentle transporters. I had only couple of dozen new bruises when I arrived, and I had to lick my fur for several hours before it settled back down again. 

      I know that chimeras are sent to other courts as junior members of embassies. Still, it's unsettling to suddenly be one of the emissaries of the Norse court to the Christian court of Western Roman Empire in North America. Before I left, someone called it an honor, but it feels more like a curse. Although I'm not the first were-dog to be posted here, I'm currently the only one. In addition to some faeries, there are seven chimeras here at the moment.

      This court is quite different from Odin's. First of all Yahweh and Jehovah share the throne. They are constantly bickering over which one of them is the original and thus dominant ruler. Someone told me that their dual existence comes from an ancient spelling mistake. They also both claim title Father as their own; it can be a bit confusing.

      The Holy Ghost is kind of pale. He's also very gloomy: walking around complaining that he's always mentioned third in any litany, never first, not even second, always third. 

      Jesus (the Son, not the curse) is arrogant and somewhat bitter as he knows he can never ascend to the throne. Jesus the curse is on the other hand is plotting with Lucifer to get rid of the Son. He claims that people call to him a lot more than they call to the Son. I think his ultimate plan is to share the throne with Lucifer, but I don't think that will happen. He reminds me a little bit of Loki.

      Collectively, the six of them are known as the Sextet, the Christian godhead.

      Uh oh, I hear someone coming so I have to stop writing for now. I miss you. Please, write to me soon.

Yours,

 

    Gareth