Cow not horse

Dear Gareth,

       Elyzanna said that in fact, I owed her two goats, not one. My transgression was more severe than she had at first thought. But she would accept a cow instead. So I went to the market and found this guy Hans who said he could arrange a sale of a cow for me. Well, it turned out to be a horse. Elyzanna wasn't pleased. I need to find ASAP either two goats or a cow. If I don't, I'll be done in. If I couldn't deliver, she would discover the translation error. She would present the correct translation to Hermóðr.
       Please help me. Elyzanna wants two very pale goats. She also claimed that one of the chicken wasn't from the Nordic stock. But I got it in the market in Copenhagen. It did miss the stamp by the populist government agency. Hey! Maybe that was it. I need to have the lack of certification declared as fake news.
       Vlad II the Impaler has sent more sports emissaries to the west. They are to spread the gospel of good eastern practices. Slid the throats of your competitors before they slid yours. We'll wait to see how Gallic-Teutonic-Nordic-West Slavic-Hispanic-Greco-Roman League will respond.
Stay safe and warm as the winter is coming.

 

Nimue

Aging

Dear Nimue,

       They idolize youth to the point here that Jehovah has declared aging a capital crime. Although humans over fifty can remain in the death row for up to fifty years.
       Yesterday I visited one of the famous gyms, which are everywhere. People exercise their jaws there chewing large quantities of salty and fatty foods. They do it for bodybuilding purpose. When their southern neighbor bypassed them as the world champions in body mass, it upset lots of people here. The current emperor, Don I the Yuge, initiated a new program called “America first.” The Emperor has an impressive girth and is thus a good role model. The society considers Children's participation important. So many gyms offer toys as an incentive for them. The program has been highly successful as many children have grown impressive bodies.
       As they are very busy people while working out in these gyms, they use their hands instead of forks. Their culture is still quite young, so they haven't figured out the mannered use of knife yet as we use it in the old world. I'm sure that in millennia or two they will discover it.

Love,


Gareth

Now I owe rabbits

Dear Gareth,

       Thank you for your letter. You're right, I should have not written about the mist. Elyzanna kindly accepted my offer of seven rabbits, three chickens and a goat. The goat is for her lovely staff to share. All will be regular animals, since here in the West we are not allowed to eat fellow chimera anymore. Thank the gods for that; I have heard it's different in the East.

       Where do I get a goat from?

       Here everyone is talking about the successful games Eastern Roman Emperor Vlad II the Impaler just hosted. The games opened with song “Your land is my land now.” The finalists killed at least seven journalists and former intelligence officers each, and the last round of the games even included the challenge of how to get elected as an official of a hostile empire.

       I will keep you updated about my progress with obtaining a goat,

Your friend,

Nimue

New SUV: Furd Destroyer

Dear Nimue,

Thank you for your letter; it brought joy to my day here. I have tried to keep out of sight as much as possible. Yahwe keeps storming around, angry about Odin’s victory at the Faerie law court. As a result of his storming, the weather has turned absolutely dreadful. They had to cancel yesterday's planned picnic.

As I’m sure you know by now, the car company Furd wanted to name their new SUV Furd Ragnarok, but Odin considers the name his proprietary property. He filed a law suite to prevent the name's unauthorized use. Although the car is more than twice the size of the Expedition, it still doesn’t use enough fuel to deserve the name Ragnarok.

The court issued an injunction allowing Odin curse any vehicle carrying the name Ragnarok.

Instead of fighting appeals through the seven Hells, Furd renamed the new vehicle ‘Destroyer’. To help with its marketing appeal, the standard model comes with a gun turret equipped with a semi-automatic machine gun. The deluxe model comes with a fully automatic machine gun, and the ultimate model comes with that plus a rocket launcher.

Despite Furd's concession, the Western Roman Emperor Don I the Yuge has threatened to set a 25% tariff on North Sea oil if Odin doesn’t withdraw his objection.

Of course, the Commission of Gallic Teutonic Nordic West Slavic Hispanic Greco-Roman League declared in response that if the Western Roman Empire institutes the new tariffs, the League will set a 25% tariff on popular entertainment imports and Baptist missionaries. Lucifer has expressed outrage that his servants would be treated that way, though I'm not sure whether he is talking about the entertainment industry or the missionaries.

But you already know all this. I miss you, and I wish I could come back home. Do you think that Odin might change his mind? This honor he gave me is killing me. Write to me soon.

Truly yours,

Gareth